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WASHINGTON, D.C. - Despite popular beliefs, the 2006 election was not a crushing defeat for the Republicans. The result was actually what the Republicans were hoping for.

For many voters, the Iraq War was the main issue during this election. The Democrats had focused their strategy around this. But for the Republicans, the Iraq War was merely a thing of the past. To them this election wasn't about the Iraqis. It was never about the Iraqis. Their goal is to consolidate their forces at home in time to fight the inevitable War on Christmas. Knowing that Democrats will bring the troops home for them, the Republicans knew their easiest way to gain victory was to feign defeat.

Sun Tzu's Art of War teaches that "where you're strong, you must feign weakness, where you're weak you must pretend to be strong." The Republicans have mastered that strategy regarding war. "Where you're defeated, you must feign victory, where you're victorious you must feign defeat." You must not let your enemies know your true position. So as far as the public should know; the Iraq War has been won, and the election has been lost.

Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld, defends his decision to initiate nuclear war with Iran should they continue to enrich Uranium.

Speaking in front of his remaining supporters, Rumsfeld lays out his plan for war. Iran is one of the worlds most oil rich nations, and with the dwindling supply of oil worldwide, Iran's resource is becoming more and more valuable. However, economists argue that oil alone will not satisfy the energy demands in the upcoming decades. What the world needs is a more efficient fuel. White House experts agree that a nuclear war with Iran will create just that.

"Imagine Iran being hit with a nuclear bomb, and the radiation soaks into the oil. By golly, we would have the most efficient fuel source in the world." Rumsfeld said.

However, the administration is careful not to start the war too soon.

"We have to wait for Iran to successfully develop a nuclear weapon first. Then we hit the nuclear weapon, and gee weez our oil would be twice as radioactive."

The current plans call for an elite force of 200 tanks, all of which will run on radioactive oil. These tanks will land immediately after the nuclear strike to create a spearhead for 2000 similar tanks which will capture the strategic sites where the world's only radioactive oil supply will reside.

Michael Moore, a self proclaimed crusader for truth, and an idol for the radical left is discovered to be working for the Neo-Con Republicans.

For years, Michael Moore and fellow Neo-Con Karl Rove served as the grand wizards behind the illusions in politics. While Rove's task is to pull people towards the right, Moore's task is the push people away from the left.

Moore is paid to do one thing, and that is to tell half truths with easily refutable lies. When Republicans suspect that their cover-ups will be leaked, Moore is sent to "report the story." He will report the cover-up, but at the same time tell an outrageous lie "against" the Neo-Cons. By refuting the lies, the Republicans can easily throw the truth out of public awareness in one simply sweep.

When scientists and journalists present concrete evidence of cover-up to the public, the public will simply associate the evidence with "Michael Moore" and will simply ignore them. When evidence is presented, the public will simply say "We've heard this argument a billion times already," and will pay no attention to what the scientists and journals have to say.

President Bush has been reported to have shot Mexican President, Vincente Fox while hunting for "illegals" on the Mexican border. But within the White House, details had been changed before the story was released to the public.

Scott McClellan was the first to be asked to take the blame for shooting Fox. But the idea quickly fell through as the White House realized that revenge may be taken on McClellan. Other Bush supporters were called to take on this duty, but none was prepared to do so.

Twenty-three hours after the incident, the White House was ready to release the story as "President Bush Accidentally Shot Illegal Immigrant While Hunting For Terrorists on the Mexican Border." However this idea was also discarded because it may cause unrest amongst the Chicano population.

The President became impatient and demanded that the meeting must end. It was been reported that the president said. "Just say that I accidentally shot a man while hunting for queers." To that, the Vice President replied "I once killed a man while hunting for quails."

The White House was ready to publish "Vice President Accidentally Shot Illegal Immigrant While Hunting Quails." But before it's final release, Karl Rove suggested that the man must not be of an ethnic minority. He's been reported to have told the press to "Change the race of the man. Make him white. Make him have the whittest sounding name ever, like Harry. And make his last name sound white too, like Whiteington. And make him a Republican so the Demos don't complain. Then find me a Republican that I can shoot in the face so the story is true."

WASHINGTON D.C. - Evolution has become a hot topic in the recent months. It has spawned numerous cultural, spiritual, educational and political debates. Some folks claim politicians should stay out of evolution. But that may be the wrong approach, since politics is where we should look to find evidence of evolution.

In America, there are two major political parties, the Democrats and the Republicans. The Democrats are represented by the Donkey, also known as an ASS. The Republicans are represented by the elephant and are often ASSHOLES. It may be difficult to imagine a donkey and an elephant having a common ancestor, but it is clear that an ass and an asshole are part of one thing.

According to the theory of evolution, species evolve to adapt. Species will adapt to strengthen certain aspects of survival, but might in turn weaken other aspects. The Democrats, or the asses survive by expanding. They tend to have a wide base, but they're not together, they are split. And where they split, the Republicans, or assholes, thrive. The Republicans are not a big group and are unpleasant, but they are one. They are not split like the Democrats.

However, despite the fact that they are so distinctly different, Democrats and Republicans live in a symbiotic relationship. If the Democrats were to disappear, the Republicans would have no way to control the waste they produce. If the Republicans were to disappear, Democrats would surely feel the pressure from the waste building up.

After months of dodging the question, President Bush finally took the bold step to answering why he chose different courses of action for North Korea and Iraq. North Korea, Iraq and Iran had been labelled by the President as part of an axis of evil who seek to destroy America through nuclear means. The President had previously vowed to end their nuclear ambitions. Speaking in front of a large crowd around his Crawford ranch, the President addressed why he chose military action against Iraq, while allowing North Korea to participate in Six Party talks.

Click Here for full transcript.

... Some people are wondering why I used the military against Iraq and not North Korea. There is an old saying in Tennessee, I know it's in Texas, but it's also in Tennessee. It goes "If it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown flush it down." You see, Kim Jung Il and the North Koreans, they're yellow, so I let them mellow. You see, it's because I care about the American tradition. Iraq on the other hand is brown, so I had to flush it down. And that means to let its infrastructures decompose so we can grow something better for us and the world.

Now some of you may be wondering what are my plans for Iran. Iran is brown, brown means flush down. Good night everybody. God bless America.

Texas Scientific Journal

Scientists claim to have found strong evidence to support the Spinning-Coin Theory of the earth, which is a branch of the Flat Earth Paradigm. Using physics and math, they have come up with evidence that contradicts our pre-existing misconceptions about the earth. Under this model, the earth, rather than being a sphere, is a disc that is being spinned like a coin by a higher being. Scientists claim that this model offers a better explanation to many everyday questions, ranging from temperature to earthquakes, than the currently accepted models.

One of the things that it explains is why the climtate is so hot around the equator and so cold around the poles. The models we currently have explain this by suggesting that the sunlight has to travel less distance to get to the surface around the equator than it does at the pole, due to geometry. The contraditions in this explanation lie in the fact that the atmosphere is so thin compared to the radius of the earth that it couldn't possibly cause that much difference in temperature, and the idea that for half a year one pole is facing the sun at all times, which means that pole should get extremely hot. However, the Spinning-Coin Model provides a simple convincing argument involving energy considerations. In a spinning coin, the velocity at the equator is much greater than it is at the poles. And it is due to this high velocity that the energy there is so great. Energy is defined as 1/2 mass times velocity squared [E=1/2 *mv^2]. This equation clearly shows that sunlight and atmosphere are not factors at all, since the energy is only a function of mass and velocity.

The Spinning-Coin patches the holes in explaining why astronauts feel "weightless" in space. Gravity is not due to the mass of the earth, but rather due to the spin. In NASA, gravity is simulated by spinning the astronauts at different rates, not by putting them in a different sized rooms. If the pre-existing model of gravity is used, astronauts should not feel weightlessness until they reach infinite distance, which is impossible. But the Spinning-Coin model would show that as soon as you exit the earth, you are no longer subjected to the spin, and therefore weightless.

This model also explains why one cannot dig a hole to the other side of the earth to get to China. The pre-existing model suggests that the radius of the earth is too large for one to do so. But simple math will show us that it's not impossible to do if the earth was, indeed, round. The diameter of the earth is 8000 miles which is approximately 42 million feet. Human beings have existed for 1 million years, which means we only have to dig 42 feet per year, or 0.11 feet per day to accomplish this. Flat Earth Theory offers a much better explanation. The reason one can't dig a hole to the other side of the earth to get to China is because China and the US are on the same side of the earth.

Can the spinning of the earth and earthquakes be explaned in a unified model? Perhaps. One question that has puzzled scientists is "how does the earth keep spinning?" The scientific community has not come to an agreement on this, but one model suggests that God flicks the coin-earth every once in a while. This would explain why the earth continues to spin, and at the same time explain earthquakes. God doesn't flick the earth at the same place everytime, which explains why earthquakes happen all over the world. If we were to use our pre-existing models, earthquakes should happen at the same area every time, because the energy will always release at the weakest point (which is the point that failed last time).

Some skeptics point to Columbus. "How could Columbus have travelled around the world if the earth was flat? Wouldn't he simply fall off the edge?" However, this skepticism falls flat when scientists explain that Columbus simply went around the circumference of the earth. There is even pictorial evidence to prove this (See Fig.1).

Fig. 1 (Courtesy of Bob Jones University)

Other skeptics might also ask, "how does this coin earth keep spinning? The coin earth spins because the higher being keeps it spinning, by either blowing on it or flicking it. That's why we have earthquakes and tsunamis. If the earth was round we shouldn't have tsunamis because a sphere is aerodynamic, and it wouldn't make sense to blow on it. This also explains why ships mysteriously disappear around the Bermuda Triangle. Mass can not be created or destroyed, but they can be accidentally flicked off the surface of the earth.

Finally skeptics will ask about the phenomenon of day and night. "How can parts of the world be light and part be dark if the the earth was flat?" That's because light travels in waves.

The topic of abortion currently tops the list of the most controversial issues in America. But recent developments in the University of California-Berkeley may offer a compromise that’ll satisfy both sides. Instead of destroying the fetus, doctors would begin to use cryogenic freezing to preserve it until it’s ready for life again.

Whether you currently consider yourself pro-life or pro-choice, you may be relieved to know that you can be both. It is now possible to defend a woman’s right to her own body without sacrificing a baby’s life. And it is possible to defend a child’s life without denying a woman’s right to her own body. If the woman decides that she can’t bare the child right now, the doctor would simply freeze it without destroying it. The frozen baby can either be reconnected at a later time to the same woman, or offer for adoption where another mother will bare the birth. This way a woman can be free with her body while the life of the baby is not endangered.

Historian Nikolai Gurevich offers his opinion on the benefits of cryogenic freezing from a historical perspective. “Often, scientists and historians want to know specific details about people in the past. Things like the physical feature are basic inquiries. Many thousand years from now, people may wonder what we look like in the 21st century. Scientists can easily decide ‘hey let’s warm this baby up’ and grow it into a human and see how human develop over the centuries. If they had this technology two thousand years ago, we’d know if Jesus was black or white.”

While some argue against this idea, calling it “too optimistic and offers no real solutions,” doctors, scientists, and the public are in general supportive of this idea.

WASHINGTON-The United States Defense Department is considering the use of solar powered missiles in upcoming military conflicts with Iran. Officials believe that these missiles may become future weapons of choice because they would require very little maintenance.

The US had been trying to develop “live” missiles for the past three decades. The idea behind “live” missiles is that they would upgrade themselves, and become more effective without the need for human intervention. Development in biological warfare seemed like a good candidate at first, but it actually becomes less effective as people become immune to the agents. The idea of solar powered missiles takes a completely different approach. Instead of trying to make the components of the missile more efficient, developers would seek to make the “fuel” become naturally more effective.

Chairman of the Solar Power Firearms (SPF) project explains. “After the first solar powered missile strikes, it will release a chemical to destroy part of the ozone layer. The thinner ozone layer would allow more sunlight to enter into the atmosphere, so that the next missile launched will have more sunlight to fuel it. The second missile will also destroy a part of the ozone layer, which would ensure that the third missile is even more powerful. With each missile launched, the power of the next missile is guaranteed to be higher without any need for upgrades.”

Having more “fuel” even gives the missile unforeseen benefits. With more intense sunlight, the missiles are able to fly even higher than before, which allow them to gather even more sunlight, so the growth is almost exponential. Flying higher also serves a defensive purpose. Higher-flying missiles are less likely to be shot down by enemy interceptors. Also, because it’s solar powered, it is EPA approved as environmentally friendly.

KENTON COUNTY, KY –Louisiana representative Billy Tauzin declared global warming a “duty.” Speaking in front of a small crowd, he explained why fear of global warming is baseless, and elaborated on why global warming is actually beneficial.

The crowd rose up and cheered as Tauzin insulted the environmentalists. “First of all, the environmentalists who say global warming will result in floods are saying it because they are uneducated fundamentalists. Anyone beyond the fourth grade will know that ice takes up more space than water. When global warming melts the ice, it would actually expose more land due to the water taking up less space”

He continued to explain how the phenomenon would help animals across the globe. “The warmer weather will benefit animals all over the world. Polar bears and seals need to eat large amounts of arctic fish to develop enough fat to keep warm. If the weather were warmer, they would need to eat less fish, thus ensuring a larger fish population. The larger fish population would better support the predators of the sea, so less shrimp will be eaten, thus resulting in a larger shrimp population. One thing results in another, and in the end all animals benefit”

Tauzin concluded his speech by asking his listeners to take part in making global warming possible. “And finally global warming will ensure that farmers have longer farming seasons thus producing more food. So I ask all of you, to take part in this campaign. Go tell the environmentalists that they are wrong. Go tell Congress that they do not need to fear. And go tell your neighbors to join the campaign, because let’s be honest my friends; global warming is not our enemy, it’s our duty.”

Egypt has recent released the first comic book featuring Arab Superheroes, and it's a major hit for the children. Inspired by the comic, which subtly promotes antagonism of the West, some are taking this idea one step further.

In Saudi Arabia, private filmmakers are starting to make tv series like the "Jihad Rangers." It resembles a once popular American tv series "Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers" except instead of five Power Rangers, there'll be six Jihad Rangers.The serie shows six average Muslim teens in their fight against the Yankhis.

Though there are female fighters in the team, they often just show support to the male fighters who risk their lives fighting the evil Yankhis robot army.

San Francisco, CA- Harold Lee was stunned to find out that he was being sued $20 billion for giving away yeast starter. Yeast is a fungus used in bread that cause the dough to rise. If preserved correctly any piece of the dough would contain the yeast starter and could be saved for later use.

Yeast Bay Yeast Producer, DJ Blake explains the reason for the lawsuit."Our scientists invested a lot, both in money and time to find the right conditions to cultivate the yeast. We fully understand that once it's made, water and flour would allow it to grow continuously. But if someone were to give away part of the dough that contains the yeast starter, it will damage our company."

Co-Producer Phil T Rich further elaborated. "This is essentially stealing because his friend did not buy the yeast starter. You wouldn't steal bread from a grocery store, right? This is the same thing."

But Harold Lee countered the remarks. “It’s absolutely outrageous to compare this to stealing bread. I bought the yeast starter legally, used it to make bread, and gave my friend some of the dough that I’d wash out anyways. I fail to see how that should be in any ways illegal.”The

hearing will begin March 15.

WASHINGTON, First Lady Laura Bush announced today that she would make her first trip to Baghdad to personally congratulate the Iraqi Council on the successful election. To celebrate this momentous event she would personally plan the celebration, and even do a little cooking herself.

The celebration would be in a style similar to the Inauguration Ball complete with an ice sculpture of Mohammed. “This election is a landmark of history, and the Muslim people has proven that they are lovers of Democracy,” the First Lady said “But until now, western nations have very little knowledge of Mohammed the Prophet, and this is a good time to make his face known to the world.”

Back at her home in Crawford, TX, Laura Bush is famous for her Baby-Back-Ribs, and she’ll be serving her famous dish during the celebration. The President admits it’s his favorite dish. “I wish I could be there with her, she is a very excellent cook. But I'm a very busy man. Though I’d miss her, because I’m also a family man, and that’s what a family man does; he misses his wife when she’s gone.”

The First Lady would fly to Baghdad at the end of this month.

AKASHAT, Iraq - U.S. soldiers has discovered what may be the smoking gun that the Bush Administration had been looking for. A nuclear warhead has been found by Akashat, on the border between Iraq and Syria. It was covered by only a thin layer of sand. Experts currently do not have an answer to why the weapon was abandoned there.


Tests by American scientists in Iraq have confirmed that this is a Uranium grade warhead, but the administration said it would be happy to submit it to UN inspectors for further investigation. The Bush administration has based their case for war on the existence of such weapon. If confirm positive, this could mean a huge boost in the legitimacy of the administration both internationally and nationwide.


President Bush expresses his pleasure in the finding. “There are a lot of people out there that are doubting the integrity of this administration. There are a lot of people who question whether what we are doing in Iraq is right. This will prove it once and for all.” The President also express that this is a time to bring Americans together. “There are a lot people who doubted us, but I’m not angry. No, not at all, I forgive them, because that’s what a good President does. He forgives.”

In the past week, US soldiers has discovered a shell containing sarin nerve agent in Baghdad, which was believed to be the first of the illegal weapons the Bush administration claimed Saddam possessed. This finding, the Bush Administration claims, is much bigger.

2nd Lt. Anthony Totshal said he discovered the missile during a scouting mission after one of his soldier pointed out a suspicious object in the sand. “At first I thought it may be just a car part, but it turned out to be much more.”

He enlisted with the Marines during the 1991 Gulf War, and was award numerous medals for his courage on the battlefield.

U.S. officials believe, based on evidence, that the missile was produced after the 1995 when the US again warned Saddam to discontinue with nuclear weapons production (news - web sites). The missile is called a quaternary type — a bomb such as this can do twice the damage of those dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, Japan.

Experts however said this missile would not be able to reach the United States.